Silent Killer

Pada postingan sebelumnya, saya menulis tentang series yang dibintangi oleh Choi Min Ho. Malamnya muncul berita kalau teman satu grupnya, Jong Hyun meninggal dunia :( Saya bukan shawol. K-Pop itu sebatas putarnya musik di spotify. Tapi Lala penyuka Shinee. Lagu-lagu Shinee terutama yang dibawakan Jong Hyun itu deep banget lagunya. Kupikir penghayatannya bagus. Cerdas nih. Ternyata deep down inside itu curcolannya. Coba ya di dengarin. Bahkan di lagu Maybe tommorow yang nadanya riang, pun merana isinya.

Depresi lalu suicidal itu penyakit yang susah dideteksi. Mostly mental illness, sih. Silent killer. Saya bergabung ke dalam sebuah grup ibu-ibu. Mostly ibu-ibu, karena judulnya Motherblabla. Gimana mereka survive, gimana mereka menghadapi stigma kurang iman, dll. Ini surat yang ditinggalkan Jong Hyun.

I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it.

I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me.

Only I.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
From myself.
From you.
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.

I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.

I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.

Pain is just that, pain.
They scolded me not to do this.
Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?

They told me to find out why I hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I have done nothing wrong.

When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.

But I should live on anyway.
I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours.
Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?

I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life.
Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.

What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.

— SHINee’s Jonghyun

Guys, if you ever feel like him, please,please, please, go out of the room. Just hang on. Asking for help from the expert. Somebody there who might need your help by being alive. Yeah, i know, maybe it easier said than the fact. And the last never stop praying. 

O...yeah...please people be kind. We never know.